Adrenaline's Shadow

Recommended for you sincerely

2011-09-27T22:54:00.000-07:00

I will miss you

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Well, it's time...

2006-10-02T13:21:00.000-07:00

I'm moving. HERE I've put it off long enough and since I've fucked up this template again, might as well make today the day. Please join me over here.

Would You Buy a Dildo From This Man?

2006-10-02T06:32:00.000-07:00

Jack Nicholson, dildo salesman? Says he's considering marketing day-glo dildos. Apparently, he strapped one on for a recent movie and liked it. A lot. Well, who doesn't? ... I mean, that's what I've heard. You know, considering the loads of ass he has scored, you almost have to respect his authorit-AH on the subject.

Before and After (?)

2006-10-01T18:10:00.000-07:00

If we follow Lee's suggestions, we should end up with something like this: Trust me...if I had MY way, we would do just this. So far, I haven't been able to sell the pimped version to the task master.

Clean it

2006-10-01T09:39:00.000-07:00

I obsess over dust on the face of a tv or computer screen. It makes me crazy. If I see it, I feel compelled to either clean it, or write a little message in it. Neither is ever acknowledged. So unappreciated... Earlier today, I was cleaning my computer screen when K walked in. She said... "You know... you could take that rag into the bedroom and clean off the TV screen, instead of writing FUCK ME or EAT ME or any of the of the other nasty stuff you think is so funny..." ...and I thought she didn't notice...

Making WHAT??

2006-09-30T16:17:00.000-07:00

K has a special pillow that she can't live without. It's one of those microbead cushie-pillow things. Miss Who seeks it out when she wants to make biscuits. This morning, I mentioned that the pillow is looking a little raggedy and K concurred. It's Miss Who's fault. She always uses it when she wants to make brownies. {i raise my eyebrows} Or whatever you call it... (Jesus Christ)

Lips Sealed

2006-09-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

S: You know.... my blob friends are making fun of me because I have to sand this god damned buggy K: Yeah, well... you be sure and tell them how long you lasted... Heh, I will NOT.

Brazilian TMI

2006-09-29T19:01:00.000-07:00

Tonight, K told me that her sister (A) is planning to take her to the fancy pancy salon that she frequents to get her eyebrows waxed. I thought I'd take advantage of K's naivete and recommended that she ask the lady for a Brazilian wax (hehe). No go. She told me, "Hell no! I know what that is, you bitch." Oops. (Hey...I tried) We both wish that was the end of the story, but when A is involved, there's always more. Several years ago, A told us that she surprised her husband with a Brazilian wax and he felt like a pervert (pedophile-ish). Apparently, he's had a change of heart or SHE changed his mind. A couldn't resist telling how awesome it was when he went down on her... this is her SISTER saying this shit! Sorry folks, that is the extent of the information gleaned. K stopped her cold by saying, "that's enough, unless you want details of my sex life." Yeah... end of story. If you have anything to ad on the subject...please, educate me. NOT that I'd do it...

Nice way to spend a Saturday

2006-09-29T09:48:00.000-07:00

SEC Football Game cooler of beer vat of Rotel dip ~~couple of cheerleaders~~ my wife this fucking jacuzzi oh mannnnn

Gaydar pings on ANTM

2006-09-29T06:21:00.000-07:00

Well, my Gaydar isn't totally broken. I pegged the two (admitted) lesbians in Cycle 7 of America's Next Top Model. Then again, it wasn't such a stretch to assume that Megan (pictured here) and Michelle are homos. They're both a little butch. In Megan's interview with AfterEllen, she states that 5 of the 13 are bi-curious. Not surprising, given their ages. I'm always more amazed when an 18 year old already has it figured out. But, kids learn things earlier these days. I didn't realize that I was a lesbian until I was about 19. Thinking back, I should have known waaaaay sooner, but I lead a somewhat sheltered life and never really knew it was an option. ........To my fellow homos: How old were you when you knew? And for my straight peeps: Did you ever question your sexuality?

TLF embarrasses me, again

2006-09-28T13:45:00.000-07:00

He was hiding under my desk, with my camera this afternoon. When he came out, I checked his pictures, one of which was a lovely crotch shot of yours truly. I was on the phone with a friend at the time (I do have one or two) and thought it would be cute for him to tell about the cooter picture... I handed him the phone and The Little Fucker proudly announced... Hey... I just took a picture of Syd's Penis. Fucker!!

Vagina arms?

2006-09-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

This was my first visit to fourfour. It won't be my last. OMG...talk about funny. Pretty good way to catch up on America's Next Top Model, if you've missed the first two eps. Vagina arms, LMAO!!

Dyke doll

2006-09-28T06:02:00.000-07:00

I'm guessing that this doll was created as a joke, an intended insult. So, is the joke on me or them if I find it kinda HOT ? Look at the rack on that thing! Jeeez...

Can you spot the fake? (updated)

2006-09-27T11:59:00.000-07:00

The following are brain scans of a female during sex. One is faking an orgasm. Can you tell which? . . . . Seems that my smarty pants readers are on the ball. The right one is indeed the faker. The study showed that the female brain goes into an almost trance-like state. Brings a whole new meaning to Dumbfuck.

go cart

2006-09-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

My car started blowing black smoke this morning. No biggie. I could have ignored that, but the fact that I couldn't go faster than 50mph was a little more bothersome. So, I put the bitch in the shop (at 5 PM) and had to accept whatever rental car was available. This will be me on the way to work tomorrow. Seriously... the fucker is so tiny, I'm surprised it's required to have a license tag.

This wouldn't work for me

2006-09-26T18:30:00.000-07:00

So, you know I have a thing for leather. I also have a weakness for biker-cool. Given that, it shouldn't surprise you that I think this wrist wallet is kinda hot. Yet, I would lose an eyeball as soon as the first bead of sweat rolled down my forehead. Not hot.

Hot Flash ! Game

2006-09-26T08:37:00.000-07:00

The object is to make your way around the board and be the first to reach Hormone Free Haven. When you land on a HotFlash!, you’ll have a chance to act a little goofy or ask your friends about some deep, dark secret like “Have you ever had a one-night stand?” Be sure to avoid PMS Purgatory, and be careful not to go down the Fallopian Tubes. They’ll take you backwards through Weepy Way, Lustless Lane, Bitchy Boulevard, Insomnia Aisle and The Forgetful Forest. (Sounds kinda cute...)

White? OMG...why?

2006-09-26T08:01:00.000-07:00

I have multiple brown leather jackets (my personal favorite). I even have a couple black ones. I uh... like leather jackets... a LOT. But, please tell me this is wrong... white can NOT be the hot new thing in leather.

Chicken Betty

2006-09-26T06:53:00.000-07:00

It's a mixed up bunch we have around here. Once, we had a cow that insisted she was a dog. She refused to stay in the pasture with the other cows and we'd often come home to find her sprawled on the front porch with the "other" dogs. It appears that we have fostered yet another doggie wannabe... Meet Chicken Betty. She would rather hang out with us rather than mingle with the other yard birds. We regularly find her on the front or back porch, and anywhere else the dogs are. You can see they present a graaaaaave danger to her.

In keeping with my theme...

2006-09-25T08:46:00.000-07:00

This seems like an appropriate follow up. Do we really need a wiki for this? How to make yourself throw up. Or you could look at something like this. Your choice. This has nothing to with anything. Still, it's funny.

Chinese food, anyone?

2006-09-25T04:32:00.000-07:00

How about a nice order of Sum Yung Dong. (Don't miss the pictures)

Lust vs Love

2006-09-24T04:06:00.000-07:00

Does it have to be either/or ? Earlier, I read an opinion written by a (obviously) girly man. Basically, he asserts that it is disrespectful (and I'm paraphrasing here, because he is a pussy) to want to fuck your wife. Instead, he maintains that you should honor her by only making love to her. Some kind of lust vs love bullshit. (His poor wife...) Are you kidding me? Does anybody here subscribe to this crap? Tenderness and intimacy with your spouse is lovely. But, come on... sometimes you just want to be...disrespected.

Weekend fun (?)

2006-09-23T12:34:00.000-07:00

We are going to start sanding down the surrey this weekend. Can you feel the excitement in my words? K is washing it and you can see one of the ramps we'll use to push it onto the back porch. Of course, this HAS to be done on the porch... for extra "trash" points. If we get finished, I suppose we'll start staining it. I can hardly wait. Come on baby...just turn around for ONE picture.

Food & Drink (and immaturity)

2006-09-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

This makes me thirsty... Bullshit, this makes me want to drink. Who among us can resist laughing when they hear somebody say "tossing salad"? Okay, can you keep from cracking up if you heard... Salad Sac? (me either) For the reader who never "gets" the sex references, you KNOW who you are... I'm saving you the trouble of emailing me.

Get your strip on

2006-09-22T08:21:00.000-07:00

Admittedly, I've only been to one strip club in my life. (and only one visit... for those who think they just caught me) However, given the likelihood that I'll one day again patronize a peel bar, knowing the lingo could be important. Kris kindly sent me this glossary. Some of my favorites: Civy Titties – A female customer’s breasts. Klitty Litter – Bits of toilet paper or other debris stuck to a girl’s cookie. Pervert’s Row (AKA) Sniffer’s Row – Term used by dancers for the seating right in front of and around the stage. Pussy Plant – A procedure where a dancer takes a tip from a customer by picking it up with their pussy. Have any of you ever seen this?? I wonder if I offer the wife... never mind. String Check – When a dancer checks to see if her tampon string is neatly tucked away. What, you thought they took that week off? (yeah, actually... I did) Now, in case you have aspirations beyond spectating, please view these examples of how NOT to pole dance.

Pity me

2006-09-21T13:03:00.000-07:00

K has had an awful time with her allergies and sinuses this season. Today, she went home early to start on her home remedy. That being bourbon, lemon and honey. So, after a few "doses," she gets phone happy, but everybody is at work. After she thoroughly annoyed me, she called and asked for TLF. (talk about getting desperate) Look at The Little Fucker mackin' on my GF!! Again...BASTARD! Maybe an hour later, she called me again. She leads with: "I'm SO grossed out. I think they're doing it." [her parents] "and in the middle of the god damned afternoon! A (her sister) thinks so too. After Daddy hung up on me, I called A to tell her and so she called and they wouldn't answer the phone and I called my mother later...." I'll spare you the rest. Anybody want to trade places with me and go home to MY house this afternoon?

Trust not

2006-09-21T11:21:00.000-07:00

In 1919, my great-great-aunt inscribed an original volume of the Bobbsey Twins to her favorite niece. In 1969, that niece passed the book down to me. Next month, I'll pass it to my brother's oldest girl for her 15th birthday. I've only seen the book a handful of times. Actually, I forgot that it existed until my mother suggested it for L's birthday. Now, maybe it's me, but WTH?? I'm forty fucking one and I've never been trusted enough to actually posses this book, yet it's fine to give it to a fifteen year old?

Bastard !

2006-09-21T07:20:00.000-07:00

TLF: Maaaama... Syd just said the FUCK word! [her eyes open WIDE] TLF: Oh... just ignore me --------------------------------------------------------- But, he's not done yet... You see, I work in the family business, my parents being the primary owners. We all drive company vehicles, so technically... my car is their car. (Particularly when I fuck it up) So, as a matter of company policy, (really because my Dad wants the opportunity to be a dick) we have to report all accidents, etc. Last time I wrecked a car, I filed the insurance claim myself...had it fixed...the whole thing, like a normal adult. That wasn't good enough, because he didn't have ample time to bitch me out. Fine. I agreed to tell him up front in the future. Well, I haven't. (reference Monday's fuck up) TLF is spending the night at my parent's house tonight, which means I'm fucked. The little bastard was dancing around here a few minutes ago saying "Syd hit another car and made a dent..." I'm gonna KILL him! It was a telephone pole.

Bullet with my name on it

2006-09-21T04:38:00.000-07:00

Should I be worried that a reader sent this to me? hehe, no fear... just a little white trash lovin' from Lee. (Thanks)

What my friends think of me...

2006-09-20T12:35:00.000-07:00

Some of you have already seen this. My apologies, but this is too GD funny to keep to myself. In response to an email this morning, a friend, whose name rhymes with Piss, one-upped me (as usual). My original email: This SO easily could have been me. Her reply: This so easily could be you too. Bitch. [giggle] Update: Okay, finally got her permission. You'll surely be stunned to know it was Kris.

Legal cocaine alternative

2006-09-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

It's an energy drink. They say a high hits you within five minutes, followed by a caffeine boost 15 minutes later. But hold on - the ride lasts five hours and the concoction is "350 percent stronger than Red Bull," they claim. Anybody know if this shit is for real?

Matching the carpet to the drapes

2006-09-20T04:33:00.000-07:00

Or not. Color your cooch with fun betty. Advertised as a dripless (hehe) formula that comes in all the normal cooter colors, and now they have added oh-no-she-didn’t PINK. I am SO doing this, soon as I can find some fun betty. One question: The product also claims to cover grays. I've never really thought about this... does that go gray too? Seriously, I don't know.

t shirt time!!

2006-09-19T19:03:00.000-07:00

This weekend K commented that our tshirts are looking worn. I got as far as, "Does that mean I can..." before she issued a terse, "NO!" Is it pathetic that I already have a wish-list stored on my hard drive?

Shit!

2006-09-19T14:28:00.000-07:00

Look what I did this afternoon. God Damnit! In an unrelated matter, TLF asked me today... "You don't always use your brains, do you?" Seemed appropriate to mention it now.

In honor of...

2006-09-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

National Talk Like a Pirate Day:

Kids tell everything

2006-09-18T14:11:00.000-07:00

My mother had TLF for part of the weekend. For a change, he busted somebody other than me. My mom gave him a bowl of cereal and he stuck his finger in it and started swirling it around... M: TLF, don't do that T: My daddy does it M: I don't think your daddy stirs his cereal with his finger... T: No, he stirs his Daddy-drinks like this. LMFAO. For once, I can join in the laugher without embarrassment.

Meet Priscilla

2006-09-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

I uh, got in trouble for this pic. So, I had to take it down. You'll have to meet Priscilla another time.

This is not art

2006-09-18T07:06:00.000-07:00

I've heard of Banksy before but I've never thought much of his ~~shit~~ work. His current "art" exhibit includes a painted elephant and live cockroaches climbing over Paris Hilton's CD. Okay, that's pretty funny. But it's not art. Saturday, in one of our local hippy stores, K and I saw a "painting" of a blue square (one dimensional) on a white canvas. Asking price? $75.oo unframed. It was probably 12" x 18", btw. Sorry, that's crazy. I'm sick of the art snobs deeming something art, just because they say it is. Such arrogance. Art is often subjective. With truly great works, there is no argument. When you get to the likes of Jackson Pollock, it gets murky. My rule of thumb is... if I can recreate it, in a relatively short amount of time with no training, then it's more than likely NOT art. This lovely painting is from the museum of bad art. I have an appreciation for bad art as opposed to a displaying a turd on a shingle and calling it art. Visit the MOBA . It's pretty damn funny.

Slight twist to an old theme

2006-09-18T06:07:00.000-07:00

There's your bride. and this bitch is smokin'!

Wishful thinking

2006-09-17T11:13:00.000-07:00

My evening uniform of baggy blue shorts and lovely tank top has morphed into my Sunday uniform, since I haven't bothered to change. The shorts really need to be washed and it's driving K crazy. Therefore, I MUST wear them a while longer. Thinking I was clever, I told her, "there is only one way you are getting these shorts off of me." I really hope ~~I get~~ they get washed before the day is over. So far, I'm still wearing the fuckers.

A little mockery this morning

2006-09-17T06:17:00.000-07:00

Pope Benedict, of whom I am not a fan, has angered Muslims by stating the obvious. In a speech, he said that Islam is spread through violence. I read this morning that the peaceful jihadists have responded by fire-bombing Catholic churches. There. I finally wrote a post on religion without once calling Southern Baptists hypocrites. Have I successfully offended everyone? If you feel left out, don't worry. I'll offend you eventually.

Slow day - just a little rambling...

2006-09-16T16:38:00.000-07:00

I'm achy today from some heavy lifting on Friday. I'm thankful to be walking, though. I stood on the back of a scooter to ride it down our driveway at work. It's a steep drive that circles the building, where we access our lower level warehouse. I made it about 2/3 of the way, a personal best. Thought the old knee took a hit, but I'm good. I dragged K to Jackson with me today (so she could do the heavy lifting). We had lunch at an old English style pub. They served real hamburgers. Amazing how difficult it is to get a real GD hamburger these days. While we were waiting for our food (aka, drinking beer) I asked K how many kids she hurt growing up. She laughed, "OMG, I couldn't even begin to count." She told me about a couple that I haven't already heard about from her sibs. She knows I intend to blog it and asked me to remind you that she has seven brothers. I guess that justifies it? hahaha Just chillin now, watching Iron Chef America. I would love to be a judge, but I know they would want more feedback than "Fuckin A" or "that looks like shit. I ain't eatin' that". And the censors would have a fit as soon as they served me catfish ice cream. A girl can dream though...

Our inner (mean) children

2006-09-16T05:01:00.000-07:00

I was always considered a pretty good kid. (I wasn't) The truth is, I was clever enough to get away with most things. When I couldn't get away clean, I would bully, bribe, or threaten others to take the blame. Namely my brother. Several yrs ago, a doctor pulled his hair back to reveal a crescent indention, a scar on his forehead. He remembered me. I always wondered what happened to that cry baby. I think that brings the total to 4. That would be the number of children I maimed before the age of 10. Two required stitches, one lost a tooth and another has a permanently burn-scarred leg. (the burn wasn't malicious, I swear) I'm not sure what made me think about this today. But there it is. One day, I'll talk about K's little mean ass. She was B-A-D!

More "homophobary"

2006-09-15T15:29:00.000-07:00

Quick update for those of you who are amused by my fear of The Lesbian. Her divorce is getting nasty and he wants custody of the children. Cold as I am, I can't turn my back on a frightened mother. Not that I am able to actually do anything, but I did sit still while she gave me sordid details [shiver]. Eye contact was minimal, but that's the best I can do. She confirmed that she has been "sleeping with another woman" among other things. [more shivers] While she seemed to be building up steam, TLF slips past the partially closed door and crawls into my lap. [Thank you Jesus] Trying to buy some time to stop my skin from crawling: S: TLF, are you sleepy? T: [shakes head, affirmative] S: Do you want to take a nap? T: [shakes head, no] So, The Lesbian asks... "ooh, can i take a nap?" ...speaking to TLF, btw. T: [ignores everybody] S: Can The Lesbian take a nap on your sofa, baby? Now, of all times, The GD Little Fucker finds his voice. T: No. I'll sleep on the sofa. The Lesbian can get in your lap. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I can only imagine what my face looked like at that moment. Corpse-like is my best guess. The Lesbian noticed, apparently, and laughed uncontrollably, eventually adding, "Yeah, Syd. Do you think you can handle that?" This is the last time I care to think about this episode. My writing about it has purged it from my memory.

Incredible

2006-09-15T11:03:00.000-07:00

TLF's parents took him to see Disney's Incredibles on Ice last weekend. He loved it, of course. My sister & her husband on the other hand were shocked at the prices. I'm pretty outraged myself. In fact, I probably should have turned this over to one of you more articulate writers who could (properly) rip Disney a new one. I understand the need to turn a profit, blah, blah, blah. But, anally reaming parents in front of their children should not be part of the formula. Consider this: Ticket price $35.00 each Cotton candy: $10 - That is TEN fucking dollars, people. For sugar. Lemonade: $8 Popcorn $6

I will say though, that $20 for this lovely Incredibles dildo does seem reasonable.

Shit. I forgot to title this.

2006-09-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

Bangkok Thailand will be hosting a series of dinners featuring the Epicurean Masters of the World. If you're not familiar with the pedigree of Master Chef, take my word, they are the shit in the culinary world. I'll cut to the chase. This would no doubt be a unique and spectacular experience. However, I was taken aback by the $25,000 per head price for the finale dinner. For 25K, I better receive head along with wine & food. Beside the point: I'm not sure I've ever seen a more beautiful or romantic dining atmosphere than in the photo above. Simply breathtaking. Can't help but wonder if the wind isn't atrocious though.

There's your Girlfriend III

2006-09-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

And she's in jail for performing a sex act on the internet. ...Pardon me while I vomit. Story here, if you can stomach it.

Celebrity (Lame) Duets

2006-09-14T21:29:00.000-07:00

I watched (half assed) the first episode of this wretched show. It's awful. However, the potential for Marie Osmond and Little Richard to loose their shit on camera may lure me back from time to time. I didn't watch tonight, but I plucked these Little Richard quotes off of Reality TV Magazine. This old bitch is batshit crazy! See if you can make sense of this shit: To Xena: Lucy, you been in the Kool-Aid girl, but you don't even know the flavor." To Alfonso Ribeiro: Don't let your voice write a check that your rhythm can't cash. To Carly Patterson: I got your horse, I hope you got your buggy. To Cheech Marin: You've got to go back and get it, you've got to find it, then you've got to bring it. To Jai Rodriguez: You picked it up and pulled it out and put it in. LMAO. If they would let him talk for the entire hour, I wouldn't miss it.

Eye Chart

2006-09-14T10:12:00.000-07:00

I'm ashamed to say how long it took me to read this.

Join the club

2006-09-14T03:47:00.000-07:00

The mile high club. This seems like cheating. If you aren't clever or brave enough to join the club like the rest of the perverts, then don't bother. Of course, considering the size of the plane, this flight has its own pervish quality. I mean, you do have a pilot after all.

Early to rise

2006-09-14T03:05:00.000-07:00

I'm an idiot. [I hear you..."no shit"] Sometimes, more so than other others. Take for instance, now. I keep my beloved Bose Wave Radio in the kitchen, where I spend most of my time. I also use it as my alarm clock. (Reduces the temptation to hit the snooze button) Probably 99% of the time though, I wake before the alarm sounds. This morning, the dogs wanted out, they usually get up with me. So, I let them out and trodded into and kitchen... the coffee wasn't made. Stupid fucking coffee maker. Turned it on manually. Next, I turned on the radio. Bastards changed the programming again... this is not my morning show. Two cups of coffee later, I realize that it's not 5:45. It's 4:45. This, despite four different digital clocks in the kitchen, including the one on the coffee maker. Damn.

My mother would be so proud

2006-09-13T19:33:00.000-07:00

A supremely educated woman, asking ME... well, anything... Kind of funny, isn't it? Not as shocking once you know the subject matter.

Party like a Rockstar

2006-09-13T11:15:00.000-07:00

...or at least look like one. These links are from the fashion section of Rockstar Supernova. Yeah, since they got rid of Storm, (that's a hot pic) I'm checking out the fashion links instead. Sick. How-ev-ah, I did find some really cool shit. Can't afford half of it and would look silly in most of it, but I really dig this stuff. If I were 20 yrs younger and wealthy, this would SO be my style: Mark Nason boots. (so fucking hot) Robbie French belt buckles are the shit. Sacred Heart LA has the coolest necklaces ever. This one is Dave Navarro's (my hetero crush) Ari Soffer - This one is my favorite.

NOT a sex post

2006-09-13T06:06:00.000-07:00

I debated for a minute whether this is bloggable, because I've agreed with K that I wouldn't talk about (our) sex here. Technically, this contains no sex, so I'm going with it. I was delighted last night when one of my trademark "Wanna screw?" type come-ons was answered in the affirmative, rather than the usual slap on the back of my head. I'm such a romantic, don't you think? I was vigorously brushing my tooth when her reflection appeared in the mirror, standing in the doorway. Smirking. Not a good sign. K: I need to warn you, I just got a case of the giggles S: but I'm not even naked yet K: sorry. We can still do it, just don't be mad if... S: What the fuck?... Her explanation: I got in the bed and tried to move the cat out of your spot, but she bit me. That made Molly angry and now they are having a stare down and growling at each other. So, I rolled over and there is Amos with his chin propped on the bed, watching. Plus he wiped a long string of slobber on the sheets. It all just struck me as funny.... so, now...the giggles. I know when I'm defeated. Fucking animals.

Was that you?

2006-09-12T07:10:00.000-07:00

Both of our mothers called to ask, "That wasn't you... was it?"

Copiah County 09/11/06 Woman Fatally Shoots Would-Be Carjacker Copiah County investigators are looking into the shooting death of a teenager who allegedly tried to carjack a Crystal Springs woman. Sheriff Harold Jones tells us Vincent Fleming, 19, tried to carjack a woman around 11:30 Saturday night on Highway 51 south of Crystal Springs. The victim says Fleming placed a gun at her chest. She pleaded with him until she managed to get to her purse, where she kept her own weapon. She shot Fleming several times. A friend took him to a hospital, where he died the next morning. No charges have been filed.

Game of Redneck Life

2006-09-12T06:22:00.000-07:00

Oh, I will be getting one of these. The winner: The player with the most teeth remaining at the end of the game! Here is the back of the box.

Swaller

2006-09-11T18:16:00.000-07:00

Tonight, K wanted to tease me because my usually spotless kitchen contained some dirty dishes. K: When are you going to clean this shit? We are living in swaller. S: Swaller? Swaller? Like...swaller your milk? K: God damnit, you know what I mean. S: [silence...smiling] K: How do you say it? [wild Latina hand gesturing...] S: Um... squalor ? I've had a ball with this one tonight. Oh, and my kitchen is now clean.

Reinforcing stereotypes

2006-09-11T10:20:00.000-07:00

I know I'm going to hate myself for posting this, but I can't shut my own mouth. Everybody thinks we are backwoods enough down here, without my helping the cause. Fuck it. At the dentist's office, I ~~eavesdropped~~ overheard a woman talking about her great hunter husband. The man shot a bunch of squirrels, put them in a plastic bag and put them in her freezer, "eyeballs and all," according to dingbat. When she said they had been there for over a year, I could hold my tongue no more. "Good Lord. Squirrel is bad enough. Freezer burnt squirrel would really suck..." I didn't get the hygienist that is terrified of me. I enjoy fucking with her because she's so gullible and, well...scared of me. I didn't realize until today, how slow she is. It only took half the time and this chick was funny. S: Betty, this stuff tastes like shit. B: It is. Mixed it up just for you. So, your lessons here... 1) Mississippians keep dead squirrels in their freezers. 2)Don't terrify your dental hygienist.

Dental anxiety

2006-09-11T06:34:00.000-07:00

Time for the routine checkup/cleaning this morning. I love my dentist, and have no fears concerning dental procedures. It's being under the freaking bright-ass lights that I hate. I'm so paranoid about what they are seeing...wrinkles, poorly applied makeup... Thank God I remembered to touch up the eyebrows last night. I was looking for a little dental graphic when I found this lovely offering. Are you fucking kidding me with this?

I bet you can't...

2006-09-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

K: Bet I can S: No way. That sum bitch is at least 25 ft away K: I used to be better than my brothers... S: Put up or shut up, smartass. She fucking did it. Roped Peter with one try. Okay, that's good and all, but that's just half the story. We spent nearly an hour chasing the little bastard, trying to get that rope off of him.

Pics

2006-09-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

I added a few pics to flickr, if you're interested. Just farm stuff.

Now I just need some ham

2006-09-10T07:10:00.000-07:00

I think we got punk'd by one of our hens. Can anybody tell me why this happened, because I have no idea. It's fresh, btw (not rotten). And NO, I don't plan to eat it.

Workin' it

2006-09-10T05:48:00.000-07:00

The story of how I met my wife is, well boring. In a nutshell, friend of a friend. In my ~~predatory~~ younger days, I had no shame. Chasing girls was a sport. It was fun, and I was quite good at it. Apparently, shame is a trait that escapes me still. In my Jr yr of college, I set my sights on a grad student who also served as the cross country track coach for the University. We had no classes or friends in common, so I had to create a "chance meeting." I memorized the track team's practice schedule, sounds a bit stalkerish, now that I look back it, LOL. Then I rode my bicycle every day past the coliseum, **only once** - because more than that just wouldn't be cool. Took me two fucking months before I just happened to be riding by when she was walking to her car. Yes, it worked, in case you are curious. Anybody else willing to admit how you met girls? Do anything outrageous or clever? I'd love to hear it.

Earlier today

2006-09-09T17:02:00.000-07:00

I was reviewing my chore list, when I ~~was awakened by~~ heard the thump of a fence board hitting the ground.... yikes!

Even I can spot THAT clue

2006-09-09T11:01:00.000-07:00

K tried to sneak the horses away from our place and move them to a pasture at her brother's house. His grass is more plentiful right now. I usually freak a little when Magnum, the wonder horse, goes anywhere. So, she was in a hurry to get it done before I got home. She would have been successful, and I probably wouldn't even have noticed for days, but for the package somebody left in the driveway. Apparently, it was quite the ordeal. K hurriedly loaded them in the trailer, closed the trailer doors, and then realized that Miss Who was locked in there, and NOBODY was happy about that. While trying to extract her, Amos got in too. LOL. Somewhere along the way, somebody dropped a deuce.

I'm in the mood...

2006-09-08T12:17:00.000-07:00

...for a little Duckin Around.

It all started when I found this cute little guy.

Mmmm, maybe a hard & fast duck?

Or a more... stimulating...duck.

I really don't care. Just... please...duck me.

Probably could have made the trash list

2006-09-08T09:04:00.000-07:00

But, Lazy Ass is more accurate. I still haven't taken my car back to the shop to get the remaining repairs done. Yawn. The really shitty thing, is that I need the code for my radio. For two months, this has been my "stereo system," and it gets caught in my earrings. Any of you derelicts know how to hack receiver?

The Trash is ON

2006-09-08T04:14:00.000-07:00

I intended to post the pics on one page, but I really suck at design and Blogger SUCKS more than I do. So, you get links. Thank you for showing your NECKS. If I left anybody out, it's an oversight because I included everything sent to me. Let me know if missed something, knowing me...I probably did. Behold our trashiness: Maggie sent in this primo Montana trash. (She says it's not HER house) Honeysuckle offers Redneck Paradise, the view from her porch. Trop's car is the shit. This really cracks me up. More Alabama trash from LitlSassy. Guy show us that Oregon is not immune. d's white trash buffer between her patio and Pigeon Cunt's ROCKS. Lee really outdid herself. Thank you again for this. Great shit! Don't miss her duct tape post either. [I bow to you, Lee] Trinity2 sent in this AWESOME post on her secret trailer traits. Babs has some trashy house rules. And a trashy cat. (That's a TV tray the cat is chillin against) And of course, my trashy shop. Kris uses a duct tape wallet, which I covet. It's never too late to add. If you happen across some trash, send it to me.

Blog your drawers

2006-09-07T18:39:00.000-07:00

Please notice that I'm (maturely) resisting the urge to blog my underwear. Trop & SassyFemme issued this challenge after I shot my mouth off over at Trop's place. (I know...what a shocker) You bitches are going to be soooo disappointed. I never open my night stand drawer, as evidenced by the May 2000 magazine on top.

I should disclose that K cleaned her drawer up a little. That was the only way I was allowed to blob it. (she got home before me) Top one is mine, bottom is K's

Pimpin

2006-09-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

I'm totally Pimpin' Maggie this morning. Go over to Excavating, Engineers and Witches and read Biker at a Tea Party . **************************** Also, I'm working on getting the White Trash submissions in one place. It's not too late to get something included, btw. Y'all have sent me some very funny shit. It'll be up soon.

This is mean... [giggle]

2006-09-06T20:02:00.000-07:00

Separated at birth?

Miss Bob is such a Queen

2006-09-06T19:12:00.000-07:00

I know this is nothing new to you cat owners, but I want to bitch anyway. Do you ever have these conversations with your feline companions? B: meow, meow, MeeYOW [rubs against my leg] S: Cut it out, Bob. You have food. B: MeeeeYOWWW! [tail swish] S: Bitch, if I go in there and you still have food... B: meow [sweetly] S: Okay, okay Fuckin' A, he had two bowls full. No, he actually had one and 1/2 bowls full. But, Bitch wanted them both full or I wasn't going to get one minute of peace.

How can I get this job?

2006-09-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

He actually gets paid for this? And that is not just any random ass and legs that he is molding. That is Stacy Kiebler's fine ass. Lucky bastard.

Sneaky, cont.

2006-09-06T08:22:00.000-07:00

(hehe, sneaky cunt)... [Grow up, Syd] [and stop talking to yourself on your blog] In answer to Lee's comment on the last thread, I'll give my response here. What do *I* sneak into the house? Are you kidding me? I live with a dumpster-diving, hot-tempered, sneaky, nosy Latina. (Lucky for her, she also happens to be smokin' hot. It's an equitable trade in my book) We actually had this conversation last night, after she deflated me with tales of her burning. K says that my idea of "sneaking," involves bringing said item in the house, plopping it on the table and then yelling at her for being nosy and "getting in my shit" when she takes a peek inside the bag. My response? "Well.... do I ever snoop in your shit?" K: Duh!, There's a reason for that! You don't see mine laying around. Oh.

Sneaky B*tches

2006-09-05T18:05:00.000-07:00

Sassy-shopaholic-Femme is a sneaky little wench. Today, after shoe shopping, she unboxed her new shoes and tossed them in the closet among her existing collection. "Fran never notices," she told me. Not only does she throw away all the packaging, she has Fran carry the garbage can to the street. Genius. Grinning, I relayed the events to K when I got home. "Amateur," K says - - [ WTF?? ] K: Remember when I bought new tennis shoes last year? S: Yeah K: I bought 3 pair... S: [silence, no more grinning] K: mm hmm, burnt the boxes and receipts. Your ass never caught on Fuck. It was much funnier when Fran was the clueless one.

Get your trash on

2006-09-05T14:47:00.000-07:00

**Chicken shits! Only 3 of us are willing to put our trashiness on display? Give me a break. I might have scared everyone off, as Trop & Guy suggested. But, I didn't really intend for this to be a contest, more of a "celebration."** ************************************* I'm thinking we need to have a white trash throwdown. I know for a fact that I'm not the only trash in this blog neighborhood. Black & brown trashy folks are included under this white-trash umbrella, just to keep it simple. (Don't think you are off the hook) Take a picture of something that illustrates your trashiness and send it to me. Or post it on your site and send me a link. I'm thinking the long weekend should be sufficient time. So, if there is any interest, I'll assemble the pics next week and we'll see who among us is real trash.

Sample Sale Etiquette

2006-09-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

1 Thou shalt not go commando. 2 Thou shalt not hide items. 3 Thou shalt not engage in the following behaviors: biting, scratching, kicking. (Though shoving may occasionally be called for.) 4 Thou shalt covet. You have to buy the book to learn the 6 other commandments, but I'm not THAT interested. Have you ever been to one of these events? OMFG, they are brutal ! I have witnessed a breach of every one of the above "rules." Yes, even #1. At a sample sale, you don't leave your shit to go somewhere and try stuff on. You do what you've gotta do RIGHT THERE, protecting your space. We're talking 90% OFF of designer fashions. It gets ugly. When I was a teenager, our **neighbor was a rep for a very nice line of clothing. He would invite my mother & me over to search through his stuff before he opened his sample sale to the public. Often, we would go back on the day he did open it up, just to watch the carnage. It was so great! ** I want to mention that the perks associated with this job appear to be awesome. Mr. Peters was single and constantly had carloads of "models" coming and going at his house. That in itself was rather scandalous in our neighborhood. Not quite as much as the time he sent one of the neighbor kids to our house to "borrow" some liquor, because they ran out. Ahhhh, my hero...

Hot or not?

2006-09-05T06:52:00.000-07:00

Since I'm on the subject of asses: Vida Guerra photoshoo t Prolly NSFW. No nudity, except for ass cheeks. I say HOT, even if she does seem a little dirty. But, that's a perfect ass, IMO.

A Wonderbra for your ass?

2006-09-05T05:58:00.000-07:00

I won't speak for the rest of the country, but I can pretty safely say that we don't need this product down here in the South. Baby got back, pretty much everywhere you look.

....lace shorties from undies makers Wonderbra have two removable pads on the back which give [butts] an upside down heart shape.

They are calling it the Wonderbot, which is stupid.

Nice end to a holiday weekend

2006-09-04T14:43:00.000-07:00

We finally rid ourselves of children this morning. Dropped off TLF just before lunch and headed straight to Vicksburg for Voodoo Wings and beer at the Bottleneck Blues Bar. It's in the Ameristar casino, so of course I left a nice cash donation in the video poker machines. Keeping with my white trash weekend theme, I wore my cooter shirt. Not to be out-trashed, K had me drive across the river to Louisiana so she could buy lottery tickets. All in all, a pretty good day.

Steve Irwin, RIP

2006-09-04T06:16:00.000-07:00

The crocodile hunter is dead. A stingray barb went through his chest. Can't say that I'm surprised, but it's still a shame. You know I have soft spot for my white trash brethren and if you've ever seen any pictures or video footage of his early life, well... trust me, he was one of us. Only 44 yrs old. So sad.

You thought it couldn't get any worse?

2006-09-03T10:42:00.000-07:00

Check out the "hood ornament." Chill, you tree hugging hippies, we didn't kill the damn deer. We found that skull in the woods. And yes, those are bungee cords. My wife is the master with bungee cords. That deserves it's own post one day. The kids found this old dart board in my infamous shop. I promise, we don't keep that on the back porch. I have no excuse for the rest of the shit you see. K would say that it's HER shop, btw. Look at the mess we need to clean up around it. Right now... it IS HER shop. K took the kids and dogs to the land where she hunts. They have a great sand bar and creek there to play in. I was happy to stay home and sweep for the 45th time this weekend and do some other chores. It's so strange to be here with no dogs. Harley was always up my ass. I miss her. Poor Miss Who begged and begged to go out, but I wanted her company. Then I realized that she has no litter box in the house and promptly acquiesced. Don't worry about me, though. I have companionship.

Rackage

2006-09-03T05:27:00.000-07:00

It's been a few years since I've seen Cat in the flesh, but, I'm pretty sure she didn't have this rack. Not complaining, just commenting, mind you. The rest of her FHM spread is here.

If their parents only knew

2006-09-02T09:51:00.000-07:00

I didn't intend to blog this weekend. But, it looks like I'm I'm going to need an "outlet." S: Where are the kids? K: Next door, chopping trees S: What in the hell are they using? K: Como se dice...little axes? S: You mean hatchets? K: Si S: TLF is too little for that, he's going to chop his foot off! K: He's mostly just running around with it S: [speechless. bug eyes and open mouth] K: Okay, I'll take them 4 wheeler riding instead...

Not my "Trash" submission

2006-09-02T06:12:00.000-07:00

I might scare some of you off with this, because this isn't even my White Trash submission, believe it or not. We've got 2 more of K's nephews (fertile family) and you-know-who staying with us until Sunday. The oldest is 11 and is a natural born mechanic/engineer. So, I let them play outside in my shop where I keep a bunch of old scooters and parts of scooters. The little bastard put 3 together and has them working. Simply amazing. It would have taken me that long to get one ready for use. This was in my front yard this morning. You can see that they were riding at night, thus the rigged headlight. No idea why they didn't bother to put a seat on it. I understand that there will be RACIN' later today. Oh, joy. I snapped a couple pics of TLF to add to my blackmail portfolio. Poor Molly didn't escape unscathed this time. Somebody put one of Harley's old dress-up collars on her. (Please notice how Miss Bob poses)

So, it's not relevant to MOST of us here

2006-09-02T05:21:00.000-07:00

But, it's still kinda cool. (or disgusting, whatever) Yep... the world's oldest condom. The reusable condom dates back to 1640 and is completely intact, as is its orginal users' manual, written in Latin. The manual suggests that users immerse the condom in warm milk prior to its use to avoid diseases. (Gag me) Do we even want to think about the um... aroma? Gag, again. The antique, found in Lund in Sweden, is made of pig intestine and is one of 250 ancient objects related to sex on display at the Tirolean County Museum in Austria this summer. (I wonder what else they have)

You heard about the waitress...

2006-09-01T13:03:00.000-07:00

...that got a $10,000 tip from a regular customer at Applebee's? Yeah, that's about all there is to that story.

Here she is:

My question is, Would you hit it? A big NO for me. You?

Cheer True Fit

2006-09-01T07:43:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I was about to rag on this product because it kinda sounds like pure bullshit. Then, on their website, I found this cool little thingy where you make your own label. Answer a couple questions and it generates the code for you. This was mine: So, in light of their coolness, I'll refrain from providing my opinion. Especially since I've never actually tried the shit.

Brothels taking the sting out of pump prices

2006-08-31T19:38:00.000-07:00

This story reminded me of an awesome tshirt I saw at tshirt Hell...

"If you come in and spend time with one of our lovely ladies, we'll give you a discount of 20 cents a liter," Kerry, manager of Sydney brothel The Site, told Reuters Wednesday.

Don't forget to send me your white trash pics by next Wednesday.

Dx: shitty, shitty day

2006-08-31T17:03:00.000-07:00

Rx: 2 vodka : 2 apple pucker : 1 butterscotch schnapps add crushed ice & shake like hell

Take P.R.N. Refill: Shitloads

------------------------------------ There is some good news. When I picked up my car, they had accidentally left the instructions for resetting the warning messages. Now, when one of those pesky lights come on, I can "fix" it myself. (Kris, I hear you screaming at me) Okay, put your seatbelts on, here we go... the tax man presented me with a huge ass tax bill to start with. In retrospect, maybe I should have blown him. But after our dear Maggie pointed out that you don't actually blow, I realized that I was utterly unqualified. Next, a key employee gave me his notice (in a casual way, which totally pissed me off). I swear, I'm considering assuming his workload just to avoid interviewing and training somebody. I fucking HATE doing that. My oh-so-loving father called to bitch me out for the 2nd time this week. Okay, I provoked him, so I really earned this one, plus I got another dig in while I was on the phone with him. So, that one is a wash, I suppose. Before the day ended, he one-upped me, but I'm still too pissed to explain. Maybe after one more Appletini. Just let me assure you that he is one huge GAPING asshole. And I just shaved half a god damned knuckle off while grating cheese.

HWJR

2006-08-31T08:48:00.000-07:00

-------------------------- TLF: Let's go get the oil changed in your car. Now. S: Are you wanting to get out of here, little man? TLF: Yes. Before she keeeels me. So we're off. After all, I've been driving my car for (over) a week with a Minimum Oil Level warning.

Eggs...finally

2006-08-30T19:26:00.000-07:00

This batch of hens has been the slowest ever to start laying eggs. I'm pretty sure the heat had something to do with it. Still, what's their excuse for this pitiful offering? I never could get a picture to really show proper perspective, but the egg is only slightly larger than a quarter.

Alright, you crazies...

2006-08-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely amazed that you all even have opinions on walkers, much less that you commented. And it didn't escape me that NOT A SINGLE one of you fuckers agreed with me. I don't think you realize the slippery slope you are advising. This shit gets out of hand in a hurry. Do you want your Gran to be seen in public with something like this? I'm telling ya... there are vendors out there trying to get this ass-ugly shit into medical stores. Be careful what you wish for. I've even seen worse. Trust me.

Oh hell no! These are going back!

2006-08-30T08:19:00.000-07:00

Look what my vendor sent me.... pimped out walkers! My conservative little customers won't have it, I know this. These ugly mother fuckers are going back.

Life in Hooterville, part...whatever

2006-08-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

K is a little under the weather tonight, so I offered to go out and close the door to the chicken pen for her. She lets them out when she gets home from work, and they put themselves to bed. Then, she closes the door after dark. BTW, the door is hard to close. You have to kinda slam it. There's a reason I'm throwing that in, just follow along... S: I'm going to close the hen house for you [walking out the front door] K: Oh, thank you. Don't forget to slam the door S: Ooookay [reaching for door in exaggerated pre-slamming motion] K: NOOO! I gently closed the door and cheesed at her through the window. Poor K drops her forehead into her palm. Hey, it keeps her young. Or that's what I tell her anyway. Perhaps that's what Miss Who thinks she's doing for Amos with her sneak attacks. Bitch has been jumping out and scaring him ever since we adopted him. Last week, she finally swatted him hard enough to make him cry. Bad move, Amester. Now, it's her daily goal to make him cry at least once. How does a 5 lb cat find the nuts to terrorize a 100+ lb dog? Such is life in Hooterville.

Land shark

2006-08-29T12:32:00.000-07:00

Is there anything goofier than a kid in goggles? (Except for maybe an adult in goggles) Maggie informed me that my blog was having seizures this afternoon. I think she was detecting the rumbling of a moving van. I've started transferring archives and trying to learn Word Press, in between actually doing some work (for a change). Once I get the pictures on the wall, I'll invite you all over for tea. [snort] Yeah, right! More like strippers and an open bar... okay, maybe some tea for the hippies. party entertainment by Trop

Bubble Baba Challenge

2006-08-29T03:41:00.000-07:00

Now, this is a raft race! Only one man finished (the race), and at least one man was disqualified for sexually abusing his flotation device. Sign in & pick up your "raft"

Awesome!

Works every time

2006-08-28T10:45:00.000-07:00

My sister spends a little too much work-time shopping on the internet. I don't say anything, because I spend a little too much time reading blogs. However, when TLF gets so far up my ass that I can't sit down, let alone get any work done, I've found a solution. The router is here in my office and I unplug her computer from the network, and consequently, the internet. She thinks we have the shittiest, most unreliable internet service EVER, and she's not far off. They just aren't as bad as SHE thinks they are. Incidentally, her current status = unplugged. I just walked past her office and she's reading TLF a book. So, there ya go.

Vomitus closetus

2006-08-28T06:14:00.000-07:00

This is definitely one of those times where common sense tells me to STFU. Let this serve as proof that my mother is indeed correct, I have none. Otherwise, I surely wouldn't admit that I had an unfortunate episode of vomitus in my closet this morning. I should have known better. When I start coughing, if it's more than a couple little hacks, I need to be headed for a bathroom. But, I was running a little late and performing the morning ritual, the closet stare. Two pair of shoes paid the price. Thankfully, I am accomplished enough to control the trajectory, sparing my hanging clothes. K seems to think the really shameful thing is that I laughed about it afterward. Maybe. It's still funny, though.

Disguise your dog

2006-08-28T04:22:00.000-07:00

Disguise kits for your dog. I can't stop laughing at this poor Doberman.